I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
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This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.