I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
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I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
This guy’s not having it 😆
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Me, flirting😏
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Same post same
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.