What a relief. Bring on the nukes
You Might Also Like
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.