doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
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Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.