Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
You Might Also Like
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
“What movie?” 🤔
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.