me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
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I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
The dark side of Canada
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.