Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
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Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
when nothing goes right… go left
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.