The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
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How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
From my Mom
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.