My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
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If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit