I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
You Might Also Like
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
same energy
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document