[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
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I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I’m not alone. I have ants.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Me irl
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.