Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
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[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced