My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
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What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Oh yeah that’s it
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists