Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
You Might Also Like
181.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Modded the new Gran Turismo
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.