In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
You Might Also Like
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me