“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 馃檨
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If I win Poweball we鈥檙e all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai鈥ake!
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
If something isn鈥檛 fair and square it鈥榮 wrong and oblong
<—- homeless romantic
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we鈥檙e gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
If your mailbox isn鈥檛 made of tractor parts and your house doesn鈥檛 have a septic tank, you鈥檙e not allowed to like country music.
I don鈥檛 make the rules.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Sucks how every girl I鈥檓 interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]