Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
You Might Also Like
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
What a chick magnet..
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.