translated into Canadian
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ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
even bears disappoint their mothers
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.