[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
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Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I just love that new Pope smell.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.