They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
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Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?