You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
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Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.