[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
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all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.