Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
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I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
paddle faster i hear baby shark
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
They got a point!
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*