*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
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Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
stand with me against insufficient seating
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him