“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
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A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
The three genders.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
love pickles so much i put myself in one
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know