Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
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Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Support your local cemetery
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out