5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
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who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
fair
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”