[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
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DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
“i miss shittin on people”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Me My dog
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories