Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
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Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Always…
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
this is funnier than any friends episode
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks