Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
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[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
New mindset, who dis?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
favorite tropes as memes
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.