[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
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To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Generation gap…
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Nice try Hitler
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.