To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.