cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
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Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.