*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
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Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Do not go gentle into that good night,