why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
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My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I found your tweet-up…
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?