You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
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Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!