If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
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Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
classic mixup
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it