[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
You Might Also Like
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I did not eat the cake…
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.