“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
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I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
dream blunt rotation
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.