If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
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I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
my first dose meeting my second
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.