Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
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@ candidates for local office
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
When news reporters do sports stories
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.