*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
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[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences