The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
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If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.