Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
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Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.