[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
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Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.