[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
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sounds kinky. i’m in.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”