Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!