Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
You Might Also Like
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.