It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
You Might Also Like
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
3% human
97% stress
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.