Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
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8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
My beach vacation Google searches
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”